Let's be honest...

I was driving to work this morning, listening to Klove 91.1 as I always do when a song came on the radio that I had heard a thousand times before, but this time I think I related to it more than I had in the past. The song, "If we're honest" by Francesca Battistelli seemed to hit a soft spot this morning. Maybe because I find myself very vulnerable lately, I don't know. The song lyrics say this:

Truth is harder than a lie
The dark seems safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do 

Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest

Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay our secrets down at the cross, at the cross

Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest

It would change our lives
It would set us free
It's what we need to be

Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mind
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDcTvtuuVU8

I realized this morning that I have been hiding from the truth. I have been trying to keep myself safe. After the miscarriage, I sank into a depression. I found myself having vivid nightmares, replaying in my head the constant voice of my doctor "There is no heartbeat. I'm sorry", crying myself to sleep, waking up in the middle of the night crying out. I just wanted to make that feeling of loss go away-- and it did for awhile. Sometimes, I lay in my bed at night and I get lost in my head. But I felt safe. I felt if I just lay in bed, nothing bad can happen. I'm starting to realize however that it may never be okay... some days I start feeling like myself and others, I'm a mess but that's okay because so is everybody else on the planet. I realized, that I just need to be honest and lay this "secret" down at the cross. I know most women keep their miscarriages private, and if that works for them that's great. For me, I think it has slowly began to help me find closure by sharing my experience with you.

I am not broken. I did nothing wrong. I am strong. I am brave and there is still hope.