"You can't have a rainbow, without any rain."

Where do I even begin?  I had actually wanted to start writing again at the beginning of the new year, but life interfered. Funny how that works. At one point, I sat down with my laptop and I opened a word document but I just couldn't find the words. I didn't know how I felt yet, and I didn't know if I really wanted to share the experience I went through. I realized though, that maybe someone out there could benefit from what I have to say, or maybe what I say can give someone a reason to find even just a speckle of hope.

Let me start off by saying that I hadn't planned on sharing this intimate story of my life. Not many women do. It's just not something you go around parading. I'm one of those ladies who post too much stuff on Facebook, the kind of stuff that nobody really cares to hear except maybe your closest girlfriends (and honestly I don't really think they care either). Nobody really cares that I went to Starbucks and ordered a grande upside down caramel macchiato with extra caramel drizzle. Nobody really cares if I made an amazing dinner for my husband and posted the picture. But that's me, that's what I do. So rather than posting on Facebook, maybe I'll just post it here instead and hope someone actually cares enough to read it.

I decided to share this story with you because of something I heard at church today. My church recently got back from their annual missions trip to Mexico and they shared some amazing stories of the people there, and the people that went on the trip. My pastor said this: when you are in a season of broken, trust the slow and steady move of God. Now, I have not witnessed just the impact that Mexico can have on a person, but I have seen through the stories that were shared that I am blessed. Even in my weakest moment of doubt, I have so much to be thankful for. And although I am in a season of broken, I haven't always been. That's what this is; my season of broken is right now and I am trusting that God is working on me. And eventually, I will come out of it and be stronger.

So here it is. On December 22, I went to a routine prenatal checkup. I found out I was pregnant on November 14. And as I lay there, after the "scoot scoot scoot" part, with my legs wide open, and nothing but a thin paper cover over me, I waited. My husband waited. The doctor waited. She wasn't saying much of anything, and I could tell when she did speak she was trying to keep my mind busy and distracted. It was such an uncomfortable moment for me. It was also a very vulnerable moment for me. As the doctor is moving around her probe, the room silent, we waited. And then she said, "unfortunately sometimes this happens. and we aren't sure what causes it. Sometimes, its the machine so I'm going to turn it off and do it again." At this moment, my heart sunk. I tried to be brave but in all honesty I was numb. I looked at my husband, who sat there, staring at me. I ask the doctor "so what does this mean?" (I'm not sure if this is exactly what I said. It's all a bit of a blur for me now). The doctor then said, "I'm sorry. There is no heartbeat. I'm going to call another doctor in to confirm. I'm so sorry."  I lost my baby, measuring at 6 weeks and 3 days.

There is no heartbeat. Four words that changed my life forever. Four words that will be embedded into my mind forever. I get sick to my stomach as a write it out. I had heard my baby's heartbeat on December 4. I didn't understand. I was still pregnant but my baby was no longer alive. I had a missed miscarriage, as the doctor described it. In my case, my body was still continuing to release the pregnancy hormones and it would continue to do so until my body cleansed itself. To spare you the details, it took roughly two weeks, and when I was no longer pregnant, I became a broken mess. I thought I was already a mess before, but man, was I wrong. I know I am rambling a bit, but I wanted this post to be uncensored and raw because it's the truth. It happened.

 I can't change what happened to me, but maybe, just maybe I can grow from it. It's been four months. My world is shaky. My emotions are all over the place. My life is a wild roller coaster ride and I'm just hanging on. But I think my eyes are open in a way they weren't before. There is a reason that God took my baby, and even though I don't know what that reason is, I do know one thing: God's not finished writing my story yet. There is hope. I am a broken and beautiful mess right now, and I'm okay with that because I know one day, God is going to surprise me in a way I never thought imaginable. And when that day comes, I will be ready.